Resolutions

1. Manage money better
2. Don't allow myself to get into anymore "situations"
3. Pay more attention to my younger siblings.
4. Spoil myself. Often.
5. Make sure the ones I love KNOW that they're loved.

2010 was a MESS. From friendships to relationships, school to work, it's been an absolute doozy. But, I came out unscathed, just a little heartbroken, and ready to move into the next year. 21 is going to be a great one. I can feel it in my bones (:

. . . heartfelt?

" You know a nigga love and care about you. A lot. I got shit of yours that you don't even know I have. Just so I can be close to you. In perfect condition too. I've never been like this with any female before. I don't even tell my mom "I love you" every second like that, so you can't expect me to do that for my girl. But just 'cause I don't say it everyday doesn't mean that's not how I feel. And you know I mean it. Ask anybody if they ever caught me saying I loved any girl at this school...They haven't. I wouldn't just say some shit like that to you and not mean it. And that's on God and everything I love."


- The Situation

Well, shit. . .

Last week was possibly the longest week of my life. So much work, school, and school and work. And then relationship and friendship issues to top it off. As far as friends, I need a break from everyone. A vacation. I don't love them any less, I'm just always around them. In regards to love, "what he won't do. .. 20 other men will." I don't really feel like that at the moment, but its what I keep telling myself. . There's a strong possibility that I may never get exactly what I want from him. And I'm starting to come to terms with that.Things are getting real. I can't be the happy-go-lucky, friendly, sheltered girl from Los Angeles anymore. No matter how much I want to.

Business as Usual.

I need to vent. I want to share my true feelings but I'm scared. This sucks. Hard. I need some reassurance.

How Deep is Your Love. . .?

It's remarkably cold for August in California. A friend of mine called it "The Coldest Summer Ever". It could be called that for a number of reasons, though. Things just aren't like they used to be. I don't know if it's because we're getting older or if the world is just a crazy place. Maybe its both. I'm excited to go back to Houston for a number of reasons. The heat being one. I need some Summer in my life. Another major one being the man that is slowly but surely becoming less of a "situation". I'm happy. Prayers get answered everyday. I'm living and breathing proof.

Coming to A Close. . .

I'm about to go back to Houston. I'm happy. And although I'm happy, I'm learning to control my emotions. This is beautiful.

If its Not One Thing. . .

It's another. The Situation has been resolved. As of now. Its basically on restriction. We'll see where it goes. But it looks promising. HOWEVER, as soon as things started looking up with him, things started looking grim with my mother. I don't know which way is up sometimes. She knows why I act the way I act. I can't help it. I've been conditioned. But she still gets mad. Neither one of us is getting any younger, so we need to not hold these grudges against each other. Everything is looking up in my life. I got my license, I'm getting a car, my love life is no longer up in flames, and I'm doing well in school. I want my relationship with her to be good too. That would just ice the cake that is the perfection of my life. Last month that cake was shitty. So I want this. I REALLY want it.

他们在中国爱我？

I feel like screaming sometimes. . .

My heart jumps rope for YOU. . .

I've been conflicted over the same guy for the past 8 months. I just want to remember who I was before he started making my brain do cartwheels. I miss myself. And while I do want him to commit and quit being a douche, I have to commit to myself first. If I don't look out for number one, who will? Right? Yet and still, it kinda stings a little. Just the fact that he used to think I could give him what he needed and now he never calls. Maybe its the distance. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. All I know is, I just need to chill. From everything. Give Ravie a chance to breathe easy.

Can you stand the rain . . . ?

I'm not the only one in a "situation". All of my closest friends are in them too. We shot first and asked questions last. Our bad. But shout out to these gentlemen, the "situations". It truly is an art. I hate that we're all exclusive with no titles, but I'm glad I'm not in my struggle alone. Can I get an amen? Thank you.

I must want it. . .

I so wanted desperately to give "The Situation" a new nickname. You know something more endearing. Like "My Boo" or "The Boyfriend". But he just continues to make life increasingly difficult for me. I'm slowly falling for him, hard. There are many reasons why. . . But he's not catching me. Not how I want him to anyway. I don't give him reasoning to have to go anywhere else for anything else. But he can't commit. And I have no clue if its because I'm here and he's there or if its because he just doesn't want to. I want to let it go, because for the most part I feel like I'm doing all of the work. Its like 40/60. And I, of course, have the short end of the stick. But then on the other hand, I feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt for some STRANGE reason unknown to me. Love maybe? I don't want to say that's what it is because I don't want to feel like a sucker. . . But I just want this to work. He says we're getting married. I want with my whole self to believe that. But I just don't know. Conflicted. Irritated. Irrational. Unhappy. = Raven and "The Situation". I hope he fixes this, I'm rooting for him.

The Woman. This Woman.

"Whatever u give a woman, she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will giveu a baby. Give her a house, she will give u a home. Give her groceries,she will give u a meal. Give her a smile and she will give u her heart.She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if u give her crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t."

Someone posted that on Facebook today. I felt the need to repost, because I just feel it so much. It's not that long of a statement but it speaks lengths. Two of my love interests commented on it. One said I had insight and the othere said he didn't think that I knew what the statment meant. Which leads me to think about my relationships with these men and how they've panned out over the past few months, years. Whatever. There's like involved. Maybe even a little love here and there. But what I learned today about myself is that I might be a little girl when it comes to relationships. A "woman" can do all of that. And while in most aspects, I'm pretty grown up, when I recieve crap, I don't give a lot of shit. Maybe there inlies the issue. But who knows, right?

50. . .

He said I left him in Texas. . . womp.


I'm going to be 15. yay.

Situations. . .

I keep getting myself into them. They aren't just everyday, run of the mill situations. They're relationships. Sort of. They start on the path to becoming relationships, then they end up becoming "situations". I'm choosing to remove myself from my 4 year "situation" and my 8 month "situation". Not because I don't care about them anymore. I do. However, they treat me WRONG. Like, I'm at the point where I want to send them both mass hate letters in the mail. Its gotten that bad. Granted, I find out some of the information I have by being nosy, but that's neither here nor there. They are still wrong. It doesn't matter that I allow myself to be put in these predicaments. What matters is that I'm not being treated right. I give. I gave. A lot. Only to be pushed back to square one. If there's one thing I HATE, its being strung along. I hate being lied to. Its infuriating. I'm livid. What can possibly be so hard about telling me that I'm not going to get what I want? What kills me the most is that there are other guys, sweet guys. Guys that are willing to give me the world if that is what I so desire. but that's not what I want. I want these "situations". Maybe I subconsciously like the drama and the concept of "what if's". I like to think that I don't but. . .

. . . Didn't I ?

. . .So to say I've had a BUNCH on my mind lately is a complete understatement. For one, I need like 6 jobs. For two, there's "the situation". For three, I think I need a change of pace. I just feel like I'm doing too much. And I'm realizing now that I've been doing too much, and for the wrong reasons. Dumb. As far as "the situation" is concerned.......ughhhhhh. That's just how he makes me feel. I don't love him. But, I was getting there. And then we just came to an abrupt halt. Irritating. Sometimes, I just wish I could go back..Like, maybe I missed something. Or maybe, I just didn't pay enough attention. Or maybe I got out of control and he noticed it before I did. I have no clue. I just know I need to chill. And I also know that I wish he would call. I'm rambling. Maybe I'll make more sense tomorrow.

Sick.

I have a cold. And I'm home sick. I leave this awful place in 19 days though, and I leave the school in 13 days. So maybe I'll start feeling better. I have a whole list of things to do when I get home. My father is giving me the keys to the Benz. I'm happy just thinking about the joy thats coming up so soon in my life. I can't wait.

nail polish, phone bills, and text messages.

Today was SO boring. I received that contact I've been waiting for. I don't even care anymore. Well. I do. But I don't. I painted my toes. And I went to Target. Epic.

Why Is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

The world may never ever know. I just got home from seing Alice in Wonderland. Epic. Well, as fa as I can tell. But I never read the book. So I was just like "Huuuuuh??" the entire the time. But it kept me interested. I'm tired. But my mind is buzzng. I'm supposed to have a visitor tonight. However, my roommate caught the apartment on fire and hasn't cleaned up the debris yet. Sooooooo, no company. But anyway. . . .I've been waiting for a paricular phone call all week. And I haven't got it yet. Stupid men. Everyone has called me, EXCEPT for who I was waiting for. Blehhh. Which brings me to my point. Love. It really is a dumb, evil thing. Well, it is when its conditional, which it is most of the time. If we all could experience unconditional, true, amzing, "my heart would stop without you" love . . .then everything would be swell. But since there are ALWAYS conditions, we suffer in love. Everyone is having relationship issues lately. I feel completely empathetic for the female end of the spectrum though. We love so hard, that it can sometimes be impossible to give it up. "I'm through". "I can't do this anymore." "I deserve better." . . .but we end up right back where we started the majority of the time. How completely stupid. So is it better not to be loved at all, then? Hmmmmmm.

Womp.

Maybe I'm not as happy as I thought.

Show Them How To Move . . .

Valentine's Day is among us. Instead of my usual rants, I've decided to be thankful for the people that are resurfacing in my life now. It's wonderful. They aren't around because I'm in Texas, granted, BUT, they're there. . .none the less. I'm in a great mood these days. I feel like I'm just happy. And that's all that matters. So what if my supposed boyfriend is a complete JERK and possibly stole my cell phone. So what if I can't sleep in my room because of water damage. So what if I don't have a date on Sunday. I'm still HAPPY. And that is capitol as far as I'm concerned. I feel like even though I just turned 20 like 2 seconds ago, I'm already getting my grown- up on. Bueno.

And Then . . . ?

This week has been extremely trying. I have had issues that I don't really care to speak on, but none the less. . . I'm happy. In about 2 weeks, I am going to embark on a spiritual and emotional cleanse. As well as a health cleanse. I feel like I need to get rid of a lot of negative in my life . . . Its just time. I'm very excited. I love my friends because they have my back regardless of what I'm going through. So, like I said, I'm happy. (:

Happy New Year . .

I'm a firm believer that the way you start the year is how you'll finish it. Its going to be a good one. (: