Summer Nights.

July 25th was the first time it felt like a real summer since I've been home. All my friends at Kelly's baby shower acting up (as usual). Staying out with the neighborhood kids all night. Lots of pictures and pizza. To say that this summer has been a rough one is an understatement. I'm happy that I could get that little piece of youth back, even if it was only for one day. I can only hope that the rest of my time here in Los Angeles is as enjoyable as tonight. Auna and Ianthe and I were talking and I had an epiphany...well, sort of. I don't need LA anymore. I mean, I love it, and it will always be home, and I'll always have somewhere to "rep" when I'm elsewhere...but I don't need it. My next trip doesn't need to be 3 months...or even 1 month for that matter. All that is unecessary. Funny how I went back to childhood and stepped into adulthoood all in the same day. Guess that's how life works. And I also guess that means I need to learn how to make my days really count...right?

Drowning in. . .

So much is going on, yet nothing is going on. My family is a wreck. Within one week my great uncle Norm and my Grandmother have passed away. I feel really bad because I've been very short with people, kind of pushing them away. But I'm just irritated with everyone. I'm sick. I haven't had real food since Saturday. And I've been having trouble sleeping. I'm just unhappy in general at the moment. And I know the death of my grandmother hasn't hit me yet. I know it sounds crazy but she was someone I expected to live forever. She helped raise me. Helped me to become the woman that I am. She's not going to get to see me go down the aisle, see my kids, anything. Its rough. On top of that, I'm having the 19 year olds equivalent to a mid life crisis. I have so many goals I want to reach by the time I'm 25.... but I feel like I'm at a standstill. The future scares me because I don't see how I'm going to get everything done. I'm in college, I work, I'm starting my own business, but I still don't feel like its enough. I guess maybe if I didn't have so many people around me prompting these goals, they wouldn't be so intense. But I do, so I'm worried about how I'm going to end up and how things are going to pan out. Although I've tried to be chill and not worry about anything, I can't. I'm not that type of person. I'm drowning in my attempted nanchalant attitude. I need a metaphorical life jacket.

Dig This.. . . .

I feel like I'm in a rut. Not with my clothes. I have ideas. TONS. Just with life. Its not turning in the general direction that I want it to turn in. No fair. At all. I know it has to get worse before it gets better. But at what costs? And what's my time frame? I made my list of my Indian Summer/ Fall must haves. But, because I think Forever 21 is following me in oreder to steal my stellar ideas, I won't post it. But these are some of my Couture/ Unaffourdable faves of the right now. Checck it. :

Dior.
Chanel.

Christian Louboutin.

Ahhh to dream. A closet full of Louboutin's would make me an extremely happy girl. Extremely.

Love Is A Losing Game.

Today was eventful. But not in the sense that I had a lot to do today. I didn't. I sat at the dining room table with my aunt most of the day, finding out family secrets. Which were completely juicy/hilarious. But then I went to my friend's house. Chilled out. Saw some old faces, some new faces. I just happened to check my myspace when I got home. I had a message. I thought it would be from this guy that was trying to talk to me. Thats what I get for thinking. It was from my ex-boyfriend. It sparked a very short conversation. He was apologizing and saying that he missed me and felt bad for what he said to me, that he didn't want any bad blood between us. I didn't accept the apology. I feel as though the things that were said were just unforgivable. I guess he's just going to have to live with the fact that he lost me. Because me forgiving him would be like cashing his metaphorical emotional check. And I just can't bring myself to do it. So even though he lost me and the chance for us to even be friends, did he really lose? Or did I lose because I'm not being the bigger person and accepting the apology? Mind boggling, this love stuff. I really did love him. Even though I cringe at the thought of it now, at one point, I saw myself having kids with this person. And all of that got thrown away. With a few simple words, my whole outlook on life, him as a person, myself as a person, and my life goals changed. All of that. Funny how random shit like this happens and you don't know who's right and who's wrong. Really funny, actually.

The Definition of Insanity. . .

. . . is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


Why is everyone nuts!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? It's not me. IT IS NOT ME. I just lost my best friend. She doesn't wanna "fxck with me" anymore. On what planet is it okay to say that to you're BEST FRIEND!? She thinks I'm in cahoots with her boyfriend and my cousin (her boyfriend's best friend). I just don't get it. I think to put all the particulars on the internet would be messy. But I'm going to go in my hole and just not deal with people. Its obvious that everything is not the way it seems. If my best friend could just decide to "not fxck with me" why couldn't everyone else?


.....exactly. So screw it.