Is It?

I just don't think everything is meant to work out for some people. But it is meant to work out for some people. To the max. Those that have never picked up a cigarette, never picked up a drink, never been fat, never had a bad day or a reason to be mad. They got it good. But everyone doesn't get that.

In Heaven Looking Over Me....Or in Hell, Keeping It Cozy.

I feel bad today. I'm not too sure why...but I do. School is in full swing. I'm doing pretty good in classes...my social life is "ehh". I go to parties and what not. But my heart just isn't in it anymore. There's a lot to be said about all of the craziness going on in my household at the present time. Its like a zoo. So many people in and out, so much drama. I dont wanna call it stressful, but it is to a degree. I miss people from home sometimes. This year will be my first Christmas away from home. Crazy.

Trapped.

Its been a minute. I'm at school. In my semi-apartment. Chillin. I've been getting my party on. Trying to grow up and do grown up things. I've been trying to get right healthwise too. Its a hassle. I often think nobody besides me understands how I feel. I am a skinny girl trapped in a thick girls body. I eat, drink, sleep, and cook like a skinny girl. I'm stuck in limbo. Weight limbo. Its horrrible. I love myself, but I need a change. The Life and Times of a Little, Big Girl. lmao.rawr.

If I Were A Painter. . .

No real significance to the title. Just happens to be what I'm listening to at the moment. Norah Jones has the key to my soul, I swear. Anyway. I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. I mean. I know what I want to do. EVERYBODY knows what I want to do. lol. But going about doing it is what is getting to me. I guess I just have to be focus-minded. .....which is a chore. Oh well. I'm making new stuff. I started tonight. I hate LA right now. Stupid recession with all these limitations and what not. I'm sitting here typing, listening to itunes, and watching a mute tv.....with all the lights on. Screw all these limitations. I'm rambling. That must mean I'm sleepy. I'll go to sleep after Sex and The City comes on. Yeah, I'll do that.

"Auntie Ravie".

Life is so crazy. Within one week two of my closest friends have brought new lives into this world. They are adorable. And to see them as mothers is amazing. Woww.

Lyric Marie "Pumpkin"
Riley Noelle



beautiful.

Sitting Around. . .

Thats exactly what I've been doing all day. I forgot about all of the things I had to do today, it really was tragic. Well, not really. I actually had a wonderful day. I couldn't find my phone for the whole day so I just lounged and ate. Yay. Now I'm sitting in the dining room with the neighborhood kids and my family. . . why we're sitting around at 3 am. . . the world may never know. But we're discussing what I should get as my next tattoo. I think we decided on a skeleton key....but who knows. Jet Rag in the morning. Lovely.

Summer Nights.

July 25th was the first time it felt like a real summer since I've been home. All my friends at Kelly's baby shower acting up (as usual). Staying out with the neighborhood kids all night. Lots of pictures and pizza. To say that this summer has been a rough one is an understatement. I'm happy that I could get that little piece of youth back, even if it was only for one day. I can only hope that the rest of my time here in Los Angeles is as enjoyable as tonight. Auna and Ianthe and I were talking and I had an epiphany...well, sort of. I don't need LA anymore. I mean, I love it, and it will always be home, and I'll always have somewhere to "rep" when I'm elsewhere...but I don't need it. My next trip doesn't need to be 3 months...or even 1 month for that matter. All that is unecessary. Funny how I went back to childhood and stepped into adulthoood all in the same day. Guess that's how life works. And I also guess that means I need to learn how to make my days really count...right?

Drowning in. . .

So much is going on, yet nothing is going on. My family is a wreck. Within one week my great uncle Norm and my Grandmother have passed away. I feel really bad because I've been very short with people, kind of pushing them away. But I'm just irritated with everyone. I'm sick. I haven't had real food since Saturday. And I've been having trouble sleeping. I'm just unhappy in general at the moment. And I know the death of my grandmother hasn't hit me yet. I know it sounds crazy but she was someone I expected to live forever. She helped raise me. Helped me to become the woman that I am. She's not going to get to see me go down the aisle, see my kids, anything. Its rough. On top of that, I'm having the 19 year olds equivalent to a mid life crisis. I have so many goals I want to reach by the time I'm 25.... but I feel like I'm at a standstill. The future scares me because I don't see how I'm going to get everything done. I'm in college, I work, I'm starting my own business, but I still don't feel like its enough. I guess maybe if I didn't have so many people around me prompting these goals, they wouldn't be so intense. But I do, so I'm worried about how I'm going to end up and how things are going to pan out. Although I've tried to be chill and not worry about anything, I can't. I'm not that type of person. I'm drowning in my attempted nanchalant attitude. I need a metaphorical life jacket.

Dig This.. . . .

I feel like I'm in a rut. Not with my clothes. I have ideas. TONS. Just with life. Its not turning in the general direction that I want it to turn in. No fair. At all. I know it has to get worse before it gets better. But at what costs? And what's my time frame? I made my list of my Indian Summer/ Fall must haves. But, because I think Forever 21 is following me in oreder to steal my stellar ideas, I won't post it. But these are some of my Couture/ Unaffourdable faves of the right now. Checck it. :

Dior.
Chanel.

Christian Louboutin.

Ahhh to dream. A closet full of Louboutin's would make me an extremely happy girl. Extremely.

Love Is A Losing Game.

Today was eventful. But not in the sense that I had a lot to do today. I didn't. I sat at the dining room table with my aunt most of the day, finding out family secrets. Which were completely juicy/hilarious. But then I went to my friend's house. Chilled out. Saw some old faces, some new faces. I just happened to check my myspace when I got home. I had a message. I thought it would be from this guy that was trying to talk to me. Thats what I get for thinking. It was from my ex-boyfriend. It sparked a very short conversation. He was apologizing and saying that he missed me and felt bad for what he said to me, that he didn't want any bad blood between us. I didn't accept the apology. I feel as though the things that were said were just unforgivable. I guess he's just going to have to live with the fact that he lost me. Because me forgiving him would be like cashing his metaphorical emotional check. And I just can't bring myself to do it. So even though he lost me and the chance for us to even be friends, did he really lose? Or did I lose because I'm not being the bigger person and accepting the apology? Mind boggling, this love stuff. I really did love him. Even though I cringe at the thought of it now, at one point, I saw myself having kids with this person. And all of that got thrown away. With a few simple words, my whole outlook on life, him as a person, myself as a person, and my life goals changed. All of that. Funny how random shit like this happens and you don't know who's right and who's wrong. Really funny, actually.

The Definition of Insanity. . .

. . . is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


Why is everyone nuts!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? It's not me. IT IS NOT ME. I just lost my best friend. She doesn't wanna "fxck with me" anymore. On what planet is it okay to say that to you're BEST FRIEND!? She thinks I'm in cahoots with her boyfriend and my cousin (her boyfriend's best friend). I just don't get it. I think to put all the particulars on the internet would be messy. But I'm going to go in my hole and just not deal with people. Its obvious that everything is not the way it seems. If my best friend could just decide to "not fxck with me" why couldn't everyone else?


.....exactly. So screw it.

Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street.

I stopped writing lately. I've been sleep a great deal of the time. Or at work. I had an epiphany just now. I've been a high class idiot for a while. The mentality of Urban youth is just overly f*cked. I went all the way to college, made new friends and had new experiences. Not to mention the fact that I'm a badass designer. But I came home and let all that unravel because even with all of those things in my favor, I still care what these "known" people think of me and whats said about me. Womp. I'm giving up on all that. I'm not gonna "Do Me" though....thats corny as sh*t. lol. paz.

The Right Move.

I know I've found what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I'm destined to make clothes and dress people. I'm also destined to help people. I'm sure of it.

http://vishness.blogspot.com

Almost.

I haven't been up at this hour in AGES...lol. Its 9:30 so thats kind of sad. I want to go back to sleep but I can't. Well, I haven't tried yet but I'm very awake. I go to work tomorrow for the first time. woot woot. Right at this very moment, I have like 4 very important life decisions to make...Its crunch time. Oh boy.

Super Mom.

So, I just fried the plantains, made maandazi for breakfast tomorrow, and brownies for Elyse's friends birthday. I am BEAT. If I have kids, I can't have a job. Its too much work. I applaud my mother. She's amazing, yo.

When People Run In Circles. . .

. . . (Its a very, very mad world.)


Apparently, every single person that I know has lost their mind. Everyone. There's no happy medium involved anymore. Either they're completely sane or completely off of their rockers. And if thats not enough, it seems as though there's more insane than sane at the moment. High school should really be like 5 or 6 years....we were NOT ready to get into the real world, and we're proving that every single day.

Starting with the now apparent EX boyfriend.....


"Queen wrecking my husband's away && point blank period IM WIFE && there aint nothing more to it than that. He Got the keys to my sacred being and I Got the chain locc on his heart.. So hold the aims plz... Indestructable Love is wht we call it... 02-10-09 I love you pooh"

Now, If YOU were hitting up a person that YOU were supposed romantically involved with and that popped up, but you didn't write it....what would YOU say?......That's exactly what I said, and then some. Not that I was really upset, because I wasn't. I went to Texas and did my thing, so I'm sure he was here doing his....that's fine. But the numbers and dates don't match up. I didn't even want to talk about it, but then he came at me like he had no sense in his entire brain.So I had to let him have it. Just to blow off steam. Because its obvious that my presence in his life was already an issue. Girls only do that kind of lame stuff when they feel threatened. Nice to know I still got it.

Then there's my best friend and her brainwashing boyfriend, my favorite cousin and her random rude outbursts, my brother and his random outburst, my mother harassing me. No need for extra details on those situations because they're kind of personal. But they all drive toward my general point. They are all absolutely insane. I swear, If I had a way out, I'd take it. I'm so glad that after I leave, I won't be back here until the end of next year. That will give me time to get my life together and get out of this ever building circle of Los Angeles intertwining drama. Everybody here knows everybody else and everything is just filled with drama. Nothing can be done without somebody else knowing and its absolutely insane. Just as I'm writing this, I got a phone call about some bs that I didn't say, but somebody said I did....If that even makes any sense. I just need a LONG extensive vacation from all things associated with this place and my family. Funny thing is, when I wasn't here, I missed it SO much. Now that I'm back, I wonder why I was missing it in the first place. But I guess that's just how it is. All the cliches and old sayings aren't for nothing, apparently.

On a happier note, I got a job. Yay. I start next Thursday. Go, Ravie.

Anyway. I just want the summer to start. It seems like summers are magical. Like no matter what went wrong previously, we're all over it by summer time and we can all just have a good time and make memories. Maybe its the heat, or the lack of schoolwork, or the lack of having to be on each others backs everyday. Who knows. All I know is that my favorite month is July, and I was born in February. That says it all as far as I'm concerned.

Well, I think that's enough insanity for one night. Off to make fried plantains for Elyse's history class. Au revior.

The Life and Times of the Absolutely Wonderful Ravie Bee.

So. Today is my first day back home. I had real food took a real shower,and now I'm sitting on my own bed. Capitol. I figure I might as well reflect on life in general. Including this semester that just recently came to an end. And my boyfriend, or lack there of. In fact seeing as I just got off the phone with him, I think that would be a perfect place to start. He is such an incredible baby. We aren't even together at the moment, so why be so retarded? He wants to come over tomorrow so that things can occur. I think its to satisfy some twisted goal, to be quite honest. A whole year and he hasn't smashed. If I were a guy, I'd kill me. Seriously. But I kind of don't want to, so I've been a little distant. I just don't know with him. I wanted to last week. But now he's aggravating me. Sheesh. Why can't life just be remotely easy? Anyway, more important things have occurred, like the end of this semester, and the end of my first year of college in general. I've laughed, I've cried. I've made some of the best friends in the world. Life is looking promising. I'm going to go back to TSU. I'm not going to be a baby about things. I have a job to do....that job is graduating on time. I have know idea why I played myself into thinking that I was gonna just come back home and start over. I'm always trying to quit SOMETHING. Whether its a relationship or school. Oh snap. I think I just did some growing up. Like right at this moment. I should stop running from some of this stuff, I figure. What am I solving by putting the issues to the side? Not a damn thing. Even still, here's the summer. I'm glad about that. Summer's are magical to say the least. I can not think of bad summer that I've had in my 19 years. In fact, they get better every year. Can't wait to see what this one has in store. Paz.

The "Other" Woman

I've having a major FML moment these days. I'm always placed in dumb situations. I've always playfully called myself a homewrecker, but I realized today that I actually am sometimes. Its not by choice though. Boys are horrible creatures that never know what they want. I can make a long list of "boys with girlfriends" who have made my life extremely difficult because they're young and confused. Its just not fair.

Good Morning?

I feel somewhat disoriented. I slept funny. I have a bug bite...its really uncomfortable....like EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I'm really starting to think I have arthritis. Like seriously...my bones hurt. Am I sounding whiny? I think I need to go back to sleep.

Intentions.

No real meaning in the title. Just bored to pieces and suprised I'm still awake. Indah is too. We were supposed to go to the Kappa party tonight but it was 15 dollars.....I'm not going to pay 15 dollars to kick it with a bunch of Texas randoms. Pointless. And my knee is the size of a baseball anyway. I'm never getting on a trampoline EVER again. My boo-thang said that's what I get for being grown on a trampoline. Smh. Its always fun until Someone gets hurt. Speaking of getting hurt...

ayochubbycheeks (2:19:35 AM): that's true. it arroused a theory... if there wasn't music... ppl telling us how to feel, what to expect, what love is... would we feel? or would we feel the same?

Don't think that quote has anything to do with getting hurt? Oh, it does. I was talking about how Kanye West- Apologize is like the story of my life right now. Listen to the song, you'll see. This was brought up. What if I had never heard that song? Would I still feel the exact same way I feel now? Like my heart was somewhat torn out by a certain someone....Its something to think about. Imani is pretty sharp, yeah? I think so.

Act Right: Get Some...

SO I'm beyond irritated with the male species at the current moment. Or maybe I just need to clean my room. But I'm pretty sure its the men...My boo thang is UNREACHABLE, my loves no longer love me, guys are coming at me out of the wood works for ALL the wrong reasons. Its just absolutely too much for my brain. Not to mention this humongous scar on my head. Its not making anything any better for me. I'm just at my wits end. And Bianca is in here complaining about her headache...which is giving me one. Maybe I should clean my room...

Eyes Wide Shut.

I'm absolutely awake because there is a thunder storm boiling outside of my window. I'm terrified. But SO tired. Sweet mother of Jesus.

Seriously.

http://twitter.com/flow3rchild

Today....or Yesterday, rather, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I thought that was impossible, seeing as my bed is against a wall. But it happened. I was all kinds of disoriented. Ugh. I feel better now though. Maybe today(yesterday) was so bad because the day before that was absolutlely wonderful. Or maybe its because I'm worried about my sister and my best friend and I feel like I need to hurry up and go home. OR, maybe its because I figured out that the person I thought I was in "love" with is not on the same page as me. We're not in the same book of life either. Hehe...refrence to The Love Below. One of my ABSOLUTE favorite cd's. Indah (my roommate) is getting quite good with the camera. Its so much fun.


..credit to Yannie F. . .she's not to bad at this picture taking thing either.


..credit to Indah A. she's a beast. phew.


The Gap Band- Yearning For Your Love

&& I'm out.

Blehh.

I feel like crying. My hair is too tight. Ugh. Little Bit left today. She went back to Dallas.

More Than I Know.

My loves. I swear they really do grow up WAY too fast. I realized my efforts to slow down the process didn't do much. Life happens and we can't change its course. You live and you learn. (=

Toes done up, with the finger nails matching.

Siyah is gone, so I have me room all to myself. I went and got ghetto nails yesterday. Vish. Everybody is coming back tomorrow. :)

My Spring Break hasn't been overly terrible, which is nice. Tons of randomness going o, especially since Aasiyah is here. She shakes stuff up. We made enchiladas and burritos. They were SO good. I guess I can use this week to read. Since I've been avoiding my books. I want some new electronics.


Lina DID That (4:09:30 AM): don't feed ur hoes.

I'm developing the strange sleeping and eating patterns again. Right now, its go to bed between 4 and 6 am...wake up between 2 and 3 pm....eat one meal and a snack...and do it again the next day. i wonder how long it will take for me to get out of this one.




I've been thinking lately. Dangerous. I want to change my major.
......Or decide it, rather. Art, art history, mass media. I'm not
lazy. I just don't want to get caught doing something I hate for
the rest of my life.

peace out.

Sad Face.

No more spring break due to unfortunate events. Oh well. It is Friday the 13th. I'm usually not superstitious but I mean, it hasn't been good so far. More later, paz.

You're A Jerk.

Absolutely love these kids for doing something constructive rather than illegal. And not to mention putting my home on the map.


Anyway...very excited for tomorrow. Water balloon fight and my cousin is coming. Vish! Yesterday we flew kites at midnight and then we went to a party in The Stones that turned into a riot....so fun. But now everyone is ready to fight. Jeesh.

Remember?

Never afraid to fall down. I can always get back up. I think I have some of the greatest memories in LIFE on the H-block...and at Emerson and Hamilton.. even at TSU.
This has got to be my all time favorite though. But I will NEVER do that again.

Maybe.

I deal with insecurities on a daily basis. Weaknesses too. One of my major weaknesses being holding on to people that don't serve aa purpose in my life, just because I feel as though they might one day help me. Womp. Every single day is a struggle with myself. Even if it doesn't have to be. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so dramatic. Then I could cope easier. But I have to turn things into a production. You would think since I've recognized this, I could fix it and move on. Surprise, surprise. I can't.

I want to paint a big picture on a canvas. Im gonna do it. Yes.

Nowhere. Now Here.

I can not wait until Spring Break. I want to act wild. Even though I'm supposed to be making sure I watch what I do for the sake of my little ones, I believe I owe myself a good time. And I will have one. YES.

Attempts.

I'm trying to get out of my state of minor depression. It seems to be working. I changed my diet. Changed my friends. Now, when I say I don't understand the majority of these girls from Texas, I'm serious. Two girls hate me over 2 dollars and the fact that I can't control my friends. Who gives 2 sh*ts really. I don't. But I don't understand it, either. Its like they have a different mentality than the rest of the world. ugh. But anyway. I feel as though my younger loves are burning themselves out and its because I'm setting a bad example. My mom always says they look up to me way more than I even know, but I never considered that until now. I wish they'd learn from mistakes instead of reliving them, because in retrospect, nobody wants to be stressed and things are only as hard as we make them. In other news, I'm attempting to put my life together in ways that speak to my soul and not everybody elses. Or anybody elses. I'm on my design tip and I'm good. I wish I could just have a loft somewhere decent in LA where I could eat popsicles and come up with fascinating ideas for clothes. Not too much furniture, just a hanging chair and lots of pillows...and a killer window with a view of the beach. I can dream can't I?

in terms of design....I might have something. I like to imagine and use music lyrics to spark my ideas....check me out.




....I have a whole book. A WHOOOOOLE book. Anyway...


....we sit outside late at night/early in the morning. Sometimes people come and do crazy things. Like run over all the benches and trash cans or steal cars.



I love this kid. she is SO funny. She knows all the words from Madaascar 2..and she can laugh like every single character off of Spongebob. She's a comic genius.


...I tagged. possibly my next tatt. Maybe if my Sociology teacher wasn't so deep I could pay attention.

.....whatever on life, because I want it to be something thats it isn't. There I go being Hasan again. smfh. (=

Tiger Time.

I've been trying to get back into the swing of things. Its nice to have school only twice a week. I try to fill up my time with studying, but I usually end up doing the opposite.
...paz.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Screaming Insides

2008 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. Besides the obvious good times, it was a year that I would really like to forget. seriously.Christmas day. We woke up EARLY in the morning, ate and then drove to Mt. Baldy to see the snow. Then We had Chinese. Then we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Not the usual Christmas.Elyse's is in the freezer. ....still.

So, I might as well just out and say it..I'm depressed. Random, yeah, I know. Its my own fault, but it's here none the less. I just can't come to grips with the way life is panning out. No matter how hard I try. Music doesn't even sound the same anymore. And its like I need a hug but I don't want to talk about it. and I don't want anyone to touch me. I've been living on kids tv and cheerios for 2 weeks. I feel as if I've left myself.